There's a test they use in couples and family work called the Firo-B. I'm not the greatest fan of all testing, but I do like the basic IDEA behind this one. Basically, it offers that relationships have three basic phases they must travel through (and, I might add, continue to repeatedly travel through):
Stage 1: Inclusion
Stage 2: Control
Stage 3: Affection
So, what's this all about? Well first, in order for a relationship to get anywhere, you have to be IN the relationship. I can imagine that if my wife, Jody, said “No” 101 times to my proposal of marriage, then we wouldn't be married (I asked her about 100 times...this summer is our 25th anniversary!). Essentially, the question is, “Are you in or our?”
Next, if you are “in” the relationship, the issue of control needs to be settled. Now, before you go crazy about “freedom, choice, and democracy”---understand that this is largely an issue-by-issue concern. Imagine if you and a friend were going to drive across the country. You both are definitely IN the car, but one of you is really going to take the “lead” as the driver. Believe me, if you both battled back-and-forth about who was going to drive, you'd get nowhere. If you did get somewhere, then you would hardly be close at the end of the trip. The question here is, “Who's taking the lead on this issue?” Remember, this can vary with each issue If you are close to one another at the end of the road trip, you've made it to affection.
Affection is, in some ways, the ultimate in the relationship. It is the intimacy and connection most of us notice from time to time we crave. That affection and closeness essentially blossoms, but only once the issues of inclusion and control are settled; which makes sense, since if you are “in” and not “fighting”...where else is there to go except being close as human beings. Note well, this is not in the least bit about “sex”...but that actually applies as well.
So, what's up in your relationships? Are you in or out? Are you still fighting over control...or have you figured out who should initiate on the issue at hand? Pretty much, all of this explains why couples who begin to accept each other and stop manipulating (controlling) one another simply do better than most. Why not settle the first two issues and see what happens?
My favorite example of this understanding is to watch the interaction between my 19 year old son and my 10 year old son. They really never fight...because, as you can imagine, the 10 year old really can't compete with him (not so with his 15 and 13 year old brothers). They want a relationship and they aren't battling with “who's in charge.” All that's left is for them to be close, which they are.
Finally, as a Christian, I can tell you this is the same game in relationship with the Lord. First, is the matter of being “in or out” of the relationship. God pretty clearly told us that we can be in by faith alone (see John 3:16). Next, control is an issue. For the Christian, God is to finally be the “governing influence” (though He gives us a huge amount of freedom). Once the control issue is settled, it's all about Intimacy with the Lord (James 4:8)...well, you get the point. Have fun with it.
God bless,
Fred
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