Most of us know, or think we know, the answer to such a simple question. It’s love…or…is it discipline? I asked Brooks (our 10 year old) the question and he said, “I don’t know THE key…, but I know some of them. Parents need to teach their children by their words, and parents need to teach their children by their actions.”
Pretty good, but we better be clear on the questions first. What makes a good parent? It seems pretty hard to avoid the fact that a good parent is one who gets his or her child ready for life. In fact, it’s pretty obvious from the negative example that if a child grows up ill-equipped for life, then something was missing from the parenting.
Of course, all of the areas we can think of relate; love, discipline, being and example. The way you bet is that unloved children grow up with issues, as to over-disciplined children, or children with absent parents…and the list goes on.
None of this, however, gets to the heart of the matter; and it’s so close you can touch it! I remember when our kids were much smaller, that some of our adult friends used to “fight” with me about how much ice cream, candy, and play children should have. Mostly they felt I was being too “hard” on the babies, and they may have been right…but I had a very different idea in mind about parenting. I discovered by talking to these parents that they had a theory that if children have “happy childhoods,” then they’ll grow up to be happy adults. Frankly, I didn’t get the correlation. It sounded like Freud’s idea about the past’s influence, or Skinner’s theory about conditioning.
Basically, I concluded somewhere that human beings actually have a will, and can make choices regardless of their pasts. I also noticed that the kids who went to Disney World, and its attendant “incredibly fun time”- were never so impacted by the experience that they stayed happy for the rest of their lives!
Then it struck me! My friends were trying to rear HAPPY CHILDREN…and we were trying to rear HAPPY ADULTS! I’d call that the key. It’s really beginning with the end in mind, isn’t it? Have you ever sat down and thought through what makes for a happy adult? Perhaps you don’t conclude that reading, thinking, communicating, loving poetry, watching songbirds, throwing a football, or catching a fish has much to do with a happy adulthood…, but that’s what I try to think about. I try to think about getting them ready with two simple things: Skills and Perspective. What skill will they need, and what perspective should they have? I guess I’d sum this up as wisdom.
Now, what about you? You don’t really need my theories, but you do need to be committed to your’s. As a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, or mentor- you can make a difference if you think a little further than just being liked by a child. You could start asking a question about where they’re headed. WHAT MAKES A HAPPY ADULT? If you answer that, you’ll know a lot about parenting…and some pretty smart steps can follow.
I recently was talking with one of my kids who, it turns out, doesn’t really like to play football. Naturally, he’s gifted at other things and has many other interests. I threw out an idea that will probably change his view in time. I told him it was important for him to learn to throw a football. “Why?” he asked. “Well,” I answered. “What if you have a son who loves football, wouldn’t you like to be in on that part of his life?”
It may be that part of what makes for HAPPY ADULTS is training our kids not to abandon the “fun” of childhood…no one ever said that was a true either/or choice!
God’s best,
Fred
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