The second piece of bad advice for parents and employers is to“put your marriage last.”
In our “kids first” age it is hard to understand how the marriage itself is the most influential part of the family system. It shouldn’t really surprise us, since history has recounted its power since the Garden of Eden (oops…is that what happen to Cain and Abel?) where Adam and Eve, as the first couple, got off to a less than stellar start.
Commonsense can save the day. Most of us have flown a good bit and have grown deaf to the pre-flight instructions. Among the most basic things we hear is, in case of a drop in cabin pressure, to “first place the oxygen mask on yourself before placing it on your child.”
The idea is that if you “pass out” first, you will not be able to help your child!
Now isn’t that the point with parenting? If your relationship with your spouse (even if you’re divorced) is decent, don’t you think that eases the pressure on your child/children…not to mention models something quite proper to them about relationships? When we put our marriage last, then the organizing priorities for the family unit are completely out of whack. Jody (my wife) and I, for example, keep our bedroom largely “off limits” to the kids. They really don’t know what all we do in there (the TV is on a lot!), but they know we come out pretty happy…and we are clearly a couple. Our guess is that it invites them to think, “I’m gonna get me one of them when I grow up!” Of course, we hope they do grow up, and eventually…leave!
If we obsess on the kids and don’t make time and room for us as a couple first, it throws an undue systemic burden on the children to be the center of attention and the keepers of all things “family.” In the more dysfunctional homes this is known as parentification…where the kid has to be the parent for the dysfunctional (for example, alcoholic) couple.
In business too, we can make this mistake. I’m a fan of servant-leadership myself, but the way it is pitched these days sounds like the employee is in charge of the business. The fact is that the leader also serves by actually leading, rather than leading by simply serving. Employees really like to understand their responsibilities and do a good job at them. Burdening them with the oversight and decisions can often create the kind of insecurities (not to mention politics) that undermine good work.
If you are over others or own your own business, it is a pretty strategic thing to make your best contributions your highest priorities. Perhaps you contribute best by selling, or planning, or schmoozing (strategic golf and fishing trips) --- in any event, it is by doing your thing well that you allow for the best to arise in those who work under you. Of course, I’m not talking about input or ideation, I’m talking about the commonsense fact that if you follow your children or your employees, you probably aren’t functioning in the right way for your role.
Actually, all of this comes down to selfishness. If you really want to be selfish, model and lead well (put marriage first)…it is the best way to offer what the children or the employees need.
God’s best,
Fred
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